“Wisdom in the Workplace: From Idiot Compassion to Compassionate Wisdom”
What is wisdom in the workplace? How can we remain in a state of clarity and equanimity when the winds of activity are busily whirling around us?
Wisdom in the workplace is many things but one thing it is not is idiot compassion. How does wisdom relate to idiot compassion in the workplace? Allow me to explain what I mean.
Firstly, understanding the relationship between emotions and the wisdom that is inherent in them is paramount to moving out of idiot compassion to true compassionate wisdom. As managers, we all want to do the right thing, yet we end up struggling or falling short. At least that is my experience.
Let me begin with a story. I have worked in the same company, a primary pediatric care medical practice for nearly thirty years. In all honesty, for many of those years I felt trapped and overwhelmed. As a director of operations, I have come across countless situations that have caused me great confusion, uncertainty, angst, and even reluctance to act. These situations have involved a common thread: People and their emotions, including mine.
About ten years ago, I walked out on my job. The managing partner coaxed me back to my post by patiently listening to me tearfully sob on the phone to him, “I just could not manage the people at work. It is too much.” He reminded me that managing people is one of the toughest jobs and that most of the time I succeeded. Honestly, I was not quite sure I agreed with him.
In this situation with an employee, I became overwhelmed in response to her way of communicating, which was to disconnect. As I tried hard to connect with her, she pulled farther away. I thought the more I tried to open the lines of communication, I would gain her confidence and trust. The more I pushed, the more she withdrew.
Fundamentally, I was confused about why I could get all sorts of things done yet I could not manage certain people. I felt like an utter failure. The company and systems were operating and profitable, and most of my work relationships were strong, however, certain relationships and people I was having trouble managing.
I could not manage people because I was stuck in thinking that I had to manage people’s emotions, or rather manage the uncomfortable emotions. When heightened emotions would arise, like clockwork I would go to my quick fix solutions. I had work to get done and people and their emotions were not going to get in the way of running the company. When ignoring did not work, I overapplied kindness, and when that did not get the job done, I brought down the hammer. Essentially, I was allowing some people to walk all over me by being too nice. My intention to be compassionate was causing me suffering because I struggled with setting appropriate boundaries.
This term, “idiot compassion” was coined by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, a renown Buddhist teacher from Tibet who taught widely in North America and Europe and helped firmly plant Buddhism in the west.*
Idiot compassion is basically reacting to situations from a place of ego-centered, small mind. Even a person that is generally open-hearted and warm can practice idiot compassion. In my case, I would let myself be taken advantage of by emotions run out of control and put up with actions of dissatisfied employees that a more skilled manager would have long coached out of their company. I didn’t know that being too nice was a thing, nor had I been taught the skills to practice true compassionate wisdom. Compassion comes in many forms including an ability to hold one’s seat, see clearly what is happening in a situation, and helping transform the vast array of colorful emotions that are circulating and causing the wisdom to be stuck.
In my relationship with this co-worker, I took offense because I thought if I was extra nice and fair, she would like me and be a happier employee. Instead of addressing the behavior that was causing disruption to the whole team, I tried to change someone’s personality. I was avoiding managing her and confronting the situation with a calm and a clear mind. I let her spread her emotional baggage for too long thus causing harm to others on the team. It was my job and responsibility to ensure she and everyone were following policies and accountabilities. We did not have clarity on what the lanes were for all the departments.
My idiot compassion quick fixes are:
· Ignoring the problem with the hope that it would go away, and the person would just act nicer.
· Trying to be a buddy to the person which usually meant oversharing personal life stuff.
· Smoothing things over with sugary artificial kindness.
· Joking at inappropriate times as a way of finding common ground.
These quick fixes lacked skillfulness because they were not genuine. I really thought I was being kind and compassionate, applying my own emotional neuroses to an already sticky situation. The outcome was usually greater emotional confusion which further closure. The emotions I was trying to escape from her by applying idiot compassion caused greater intensification. This all happens out of either ignorance, or impatience, or lack of authentic connection.
Elements of idiot compassion are:
· Doing more harm than good
· Acting out of fear
· Striving for perfection
· Wishing to just be left alone
· Trying to get rid of or avoid disruption
· Avoiding the real help that is needed
· Ignoring the situation
· Fixing based on misreading a situation
· Lacking clarity
· Acting out of impatience or poverty mentality
Idiot compassion is the opposite of compassion. It lacks wisdom, openness of mind, and clarity.
All of these are strategies represent unskillful ways of addressing the underlying condition, the emotion that is seeking release. The emotions are never the problem; they are the doorway to wisdom and meaningful action. The emotions hold an immense charge of energy. Appreciating this reality, it is possible to align with the wisdom inside the confusion. The stuck places are the work points, and the first flash of emotion is the wisdom. Emotions are flaring for a reason. Something needs attention.
So how can wisdom arise in the workplace?
Clear seeing and allowing space can set the conditions for wisdom to arise on the spot. Some form of training in a discipline such as mindfulness awareness can be very helpful particularly for leaders in business, however, everyone can benefit and that may be the reason why we see mindfulness and meditation in magazines in the grocery checkout aisles, in our social media feeds. It is ubiquitous and available everywhere nowadays, however, it is not a cure all.
Even the most well-trained mind can get tripped up by emotions either internally or coming from another. We are all a unique blend of colorful energy and brilliance, which contains both wakeful and open qualities as well as confused and neurotic patterns. Many neurotic states are old patterns that we have held onto and applied for most of our lives. The good news is that confusion is very simply the wisdom yet to be uncovered.
In the medical field where I have spent most of my career, we are inundated with sick children, worried parents, complex psychosocial situations, and a complex healthcare matrix of insurance companies, government agencies, economics.
Building a workplace team of medical secretaries, nurses, billers, medical providers, and managers is also complex and full of seeming chaos. Often, I have looked at another industry of food grocers, like Wegmans, rated as one of the top ten places to work in the United States, and admire the sense of team I encounter and experience there. Everyone seems to be working together toward a common goal, the shopper to make our experience positive. That is the kind of team environment I as a director along with my managers and the doctors want to achieve.
Recruiting, hiring, and onboarding the best employees is the first step. Then training and retaining is the next step. But that thing always enters in. People’s emotions and their reaction to others’ emotions. It is so easy to want to quickly address something by applying an immediate answer.
Having clear accountabilities and transparency have made our company more sustainable and profitable as well as placing a value on dependability and adaptability. Our company became more cohesive during the COVID pandemic as we strengthened our leadership and communication.
Here are other ways compassionate wisdom shows up:
· Knowing our lane, staying in it, and recognizing others’ lanes
· Having transparency and clear lines of accountability, like clear written job descriptions.
· Reiterating, reminding, and staying on message is helpful for all members of the workplace team. We all benefit from repetition and can help us be more reliable and dependable.
· Recognizing that wisdom comes in waves and builds on simplicity; repeat and repeat again. In the same way that bad habits get formed, good habits get formed.
· Becoming familiar with ourselves. We must know our own tendencies to understand others. Once we know ourselves, we can begin to know others. We learn how we act and react to situations so we can become more skilled at responding.
· Responding instead of reacting. This means we experience a situation, a person, an emotional charged encounter and instead of shutting down, or blowing up, or breaking down into a heap of tears, we can hold our seat and take a breath or two. Responding cuts down on idiot compassion or feeling a need to fix that we engage in so much of the time.
What conditions in a workday that may lead to idiot compassion:
· Being on the spot and acting without thinking
· Not having the luxury of time to figure things out completely
· Finding strategies to take a pause; I need a few minutes or a day to think about this”
· Worrying about high stakes situations
· Self-referencing and holding tight to our point of view
· Believing our backstory and making sure everyone knows it
· Having a quick fix-it/rid-it mentality of the uncomfortable emotion
Ways to transform idiot compassion to wisdom and compassionate action in the workplace:
· Setting appropriate boundaries
· Being willing to have the difficult conversations
· Caring for ourselves and having self-compassion
· Asking for a pause in the conversation to reset (mentally, emotionally)
· Being transparent and having a mission statement, values, employee handbook and set of policies
· Creating very clear lines of accountability job descriptions
Compassionate wisdom is genuinely kind in that, even with an edge of sharpness and clarity, it comes from a generous heart and wish to benefit all. Compassionate wisdom may be direct and sharp and precise, quite the opposite of gushy and cajoling and sugar coated. The way through idiot compassion is not always easy and obvious. It takes some practice and self-reflection as a manager leader. The benefits though are certainly worth it. Good luck!
References:
https://davidnichtern.com/cultivating-compassion-moving-out-of-your-comfort-zone/
https://bigthink.com/articles/idiot-compassion-and-mindfulness/
https://medium.com/age-of-awareness/compassion-isnt-just-about-being-nice-it-s-an-act-of-courage-5a632f714dd0
https://mettarefuge.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/the-difference-between-compassion-and-idiot-compassion/
https://www.greggraber.com/post/idiot-compassion
Jean Gunner Bio
My passion is to help manifest a society based in profound goodness and kindness. Serving as the director of a pediatric primary care medical practice since 1994, I have sought ways to help increase happiness and joy in the workplace. Engaging with my family and the natural world is how I stay authentic and centered in my everyday life. In business, I apply and teach mindfulness awareness practice as well as Five Wisdoms to mentor and coach staff, leadership, and the team in real time as we navigate intensified emotional situations. Emotions are no longer something to be feared, rather they are pure energy that can lead to greater depths of connection and human understanding.
