Before me
stands a blank page. Empty. Open.
Waiting. At times writing comes
to me, a central theme or idea and spurs my hands into writing, pouring out of
me onto the blank canvas before me, this computer screen. Other times, I am a heart full of feelings, a
body full of experiences and sense perceptions.
Memories, recent and long ago, ideas wanting to be expressed and
expanded upon, thoughts and emotions and everyday occurrences wish for some
outlet.
I write
about that which touches my heart, the life of a mother and the joys, the
failings, the disappointments, and the lessons.
As I commit deeper and more regularly to a daily meditation practice, to
mindful awareness of my momentary life, I feel a certain contentment in both
the joys and tribulations of this parenting journey. In the Buddhist teachings, there is this
notion that we have all been each other’s mother and child, so we can feel a
certain human family kinship with everyone else. This does not mean the relationship is always
easy. There is misunderstanding and
strong emotions of the negative kind that can overtake us.
There are
those occasions when love between myself and my sons feel like an aching
drip. The love gets mixed up with
attachment and creates suffering. A
suffering borne of the realization that one of us will die, that separation
will occur and a fear rises up demanding a response, ‘How can I go on without
this love, this passionate love I feel for you?’
Interestingly
of note is that in one moment we may feel this intense love and palpable fear
of separation; and in the subsequent moment, feel another form of suffering
that is borne of also fear but manifests as aggression. The aggression may be characterized by
yelling, using hurtful words, getting even, being disappointed, passive
aggressive qualities of shutting the other out, or even physical abuse, either
way it is suffering, and this comes from a place of fear, fear that there is
not enough. That we aren’t loved enough,
respected enough, that there is not enough time to be together, jealousy,
inadequacy. It is rooted in qualities of
poverty, thinking we are impoverished.
In love,
whether between parent and child, lovers, friends or family members, there is
another way. There is a place, a path in
the middle. There is a pathway, a mental
pathway that there is enough, that there is nothing missing, that everything we
need and are is available in the moment.
This does
not mean to discount or diminish the difficulties of life, the challenges of
being human, the inevitable sadness and suffering of being alive on this
earth. On the contrary, being fully
present with a mind that is open, a body that is warm, senses that are alive
and aware, and a heart that is available, is to be fully alive and awake as a
human being.
I speak of
parenting, being a mom in this essay because I just came through a week of
great eye opening and learning. It has
not been an easy week; it was immensely painful.
Two people
as a couple, whether together or divorced, can benefit from being mindful and
aware of one another, of our own minds and hearts and of the place our children
are in at the moment. This is not always
easy particularly in a world that is so speedy.
A world so wired in all the time.
A world that operates with a poverty sentiment, that if I am not online,
or someone isn’t messaging my on Facebook, I am somehow out of the loop, or
unimportant. We relish and require in an
addictive way of being paid attention to by another.
Over the
last year I have noticed the trigger, emotionally and psychologically, of that
the little message bubble in Facebook. I
literally feel a thrill of seeing it lit up red. The addiction we have to being noticed in
this digital age; I am sure that this desire to be noticed has simply changed
in the way we experience it but has been with human beings since the dawn. I just have this sense.
This digital
age brings with it a price. Children and
adults spend much more time linked to an electronic device whether at their
fingertips or to their ear. We all spend
much less time out of doors. We use
these devices in a state of ignorance, trying to erase a pervasive feeling of
boredom or attachment to attention. We
seek perpetual entertainment. Whether
children are from single parent families, products of divorces or two parent
working families, we use the digitized devices as babysitters and methods of
entertainment. Caregivers have to work
full time often then keep the household running by shopping, cooking,
laundering, cleaning, etc. We all need a
little downtime and space in our busy speedy 21st century schedules
to relax and be peaceful. I know I use
the digital world as a form of supervision, my kids would rather be glued to
those and not out roaming the streets,
perhaps on adventures or even getting into a bit of mischievous. What has the trade-off been? Is it worth it?
In the heat
of a fury that overtook me one Thursday evening after finding jeans and
dust-devil laden socks in the family room, more clothes strewn in a messy
disordered bathroom, undone dishes, I transformed from loving, caring mother to
a whirling tornado like she-devil storming angrily and abruptly and loudly to
where my son was working on homework at 10 pm in the evening, after an
afternoon of sloth-like time undoubtedly wired to television and I Pad. All of a sudden I detested my decision to
ever allow admittance of I Pad or Play Station, let alone computer and TV into
our family life. Simply, I blew. I felt only rage. Underneath the vomit of expletives and physical
threats, my enraged self, she felt the existence of loving mother. I knew I had a part in this outcome. I had helped seed this indifference and
slovenly behavior. I was partly
responsible. If children don’t have the
care and mindful guidance of a parent wiser and older, then how can they be
expected to grow up with respect and concern for others, even for their own
well-being?
There were
so many tears, and eventual reconciliation of a kind that involved me stepping
out of the whirl of torment and anger to see that my child was really
hurting. That the power I felt in
belittling him was not being beneficial, could do real harm and damage if not
checked. The regret I felt for my aggressive
actions was not grounded on guilt but wisdom.
I knew that I carried responsibility for my son’s lack of caring. We needed space, we needed to
communicate. He just said over and over
that he didn’t feel as if he was ever good enough. Were we even having conversations with him
about what it meant to be a meaningful member of this family? Both parents since we are divorced would have
to have conversations of this kind. I
would begin by saying sorry and then by listening with kindness and openness.
After the
volcanic explosion of emotional venting, my eldest son, who did not bear the
brunt of my assault and frustration, came to me, stood before me on the stairs
and said that he wanted to share something with me that he hadn’t told
anyone. The April prior on a cruise we
took, just the three of us, he had met a girl his age, and had his first
experience of falling in love, of kissing another’s lips. It was beautiful to witness and heartbreaking
to watch her end their relationship via a text message. But he shared that she, who had experienced
her own heart ache through the loss of her mother in a terrorist attack, shared
with my son what it meant to feel love of another woman other that your own
mother. She told him, “It truly is all
good” and that if the ship capsized and was sinking she would be happy to die
with him.
This morning,
I awoke after a night of broken sleep and haunted dreams, I drove to Lowes to
purchase a bathroom faucet early in the morning and let my mind open to the
experiences and feelings of my senses. I
saw a wide sky blue with wisps of clouds above me, a rising sun, and fresh,
almost spring-like air and felt completely awakened, even if I had lost hours
of sleep taking care of my friend’s two dachshunds the night prior. What had gone before was over. There was only me in this car, breathing and
something about the morning light and smell of the air and the music I had
chosen to listen to tapped into my deepest most profound and joyful place in my
mind and I knew that all is okay, all is good, there is not one thing missing,
even if at times we humans misapply, or feel lacking, or fearful, or
angry. Our ignorance is real but
underneath is the quality of wholeness of infinite unity, of aliveness and wide
wakefulness.
My joy today would come from doing for others,
making myself available to love the ones in front of me, to attending my son’s
basketball game and being a harbor he could moor to in the midst of his fear
and uncertainty about his sports acumen.
I would love today unreservedly. I would love my children, my family and myself
and make no apologies for what had gone before.
I would love, forgive and surrender to the world I am in, the world I
have created.