“The inconceivable wish
to help all sentient beings always begins with oneself. Our own experience is the only thing we have
to share. The inability to measure up to
our own standards is decidedly humbling.
It allows us to empathize with other people’s difficulties and
mistakes.”
Pema Chödrön, NO TIME TO LOSE, A
Timely Guide to the Way of Bodhisattva
Last weekend
was full of wonderful moments to come alive, to be myself, to offer
gratefulness for my good life. Perhaps I
just noticed the workings of the way of the world around me; perhaps I was just
a tiny bit more awake. Whatever it was,
I am glad I noticed my world, the people, the happenings and all the being in my
world. I was not only more peaceful and
content, I was actually joyful, a genuine happiness not predicated on changing
my life circumstances, just direct and present joy from being with what is offered in each moment.
The weekend
started out by simply paying attention to my world, that is, to the way my body feels
in the world. This means being
with what is and what our senses are showing us. Now let’s start with the eyes. My eyes caught sight of the moon this past
week, a big, gigantic, round, full luminous body so near to us in the sky that
I felt ready to reach my human hand out to caress it and feel its smooth marble
coolness. As I was cleaning up dinner
dishes, the moon whispered into my ears, “Look at me rising through the trees
and call that son of your to come see me.”
I shut off all the lights in the kitchen and called Aidan, my youngest
to also enjoy the display. He willingly
came and looked upon our celestial neighbor with a rather blasé casual glance,
as if to say, “Yeah, I know, she is there always orbiting about us. And, oh by the way, you see that giant star
at ten o’clock, that’s Mr. Jupiter so loud in the sky and oh, so far away
despite his brilliance.”
As I was
driving to a dinner business meeting the day before, which was a day punctuated by emotional upheaval, I also witnessed the moonrise and realized that despite
the illusion of difference, we are all seeing the same moon in the sky, from
our own spot on the earth. It gave me
some reference point, some shared connection, some unity despite my trepidation
and feelings of trembling as I wade through this world, our shared world,
remembering we all stumble at times, we all struggle and we all feel sadness,
and to keep in mind that these feelings pass, they are fleeting like the
weather. Look at that celestial neighbor
and know that we see the same through different eyes, on our own wee little dot
on motherearth.
The week
began with some challenges and struggles.
For me, these center on being a parent.
I love being a mother; I feel I was designed for this work. But also, at times, being a mom presents so
much uncertainty and I fall into my personalized trap of reacting to
circumstances rather than pausing. My
older son is struggling with his first year in high school. This is not uncommon. I can state all the reasons that it is more
challenging for him but that is just building a case of why rather than just
going with “the what” of the situation. The
craziness that I was feeling also brought amazing realization – I may feel
mixed up, scared and uncertain, BUT I have never, ever been alone. This awareness was profound for me. It felt like a gentle hug that awakened
me. Call this awareness, call this God,
call this the Great Mystery, call it whatever you like, the name doesn’t matter
as much as the wakefulness quality it gave me for absolutely
nothing in exchange.
As the week
wound down towards the weekend, I spent most of Saturday going about household chores
as one son did homework and the other played. As Aidan and his friend enacted
“Shoot the Zombies” around the house and I washed and vacuumed floors, I felt
content, I felt that I belonged here, I felt I could release the clinging and
grasping and wishing for a different now.
There was a moment when Aidan said my name, “mom”, and a complete and
utter moment of peace in my present washed down me, from head to toe, and I
found myself smiling.
I think
sometimes that we get depressed because we overthink our lives. We all have our mental lists and our banal
tasks of living and our hooks and habits that cause us to trip and trap us
in thinking which depresses us not only mentally but physically. The secret is to keep moving forward, while
staying present. For me, I have wishes
and dreams and aspirations, and these keep me moving ahead. The key for me is to not live in those places
all the time. When I am present to what
is, whether that be washing out the kitchen sink while the laughter and flight
of play of the boys is happening around me, I physically sense the goodness of
life, that is what pulls me out of my habitual mind of worry and wishing for
something else.
Upon
awakening on Sunday morning, I felt good that I had accomplished the chores of
yesterday and that my boys and I had enjoyed a performance at Canisius High
School of Shakespeare’s “Comedy of Errors” and continued our evening at a
wonderful local restaurant in the city.
Prior to entering the school, friends of my family were exiting the
school gym with their brood, and it struck me that true happiness comes from
being present with what is, what life is presenting at the moment, that the
precious joys of life are meeting old and new friends alike, in whatever iteration life offers them to
us. The joy of life is linked directly
to the serendipity of life and even through the inevitable tragedies and
suffering and changes that we all encounter, there are surprises if we remain
open.
I have felt
the repeating treadmill of chores, and work, and going to the office to see the
same faces, and cracking the whip as mom coach, understanding why this might feel so endless and
fatiguing. This is natural, many of us
feel this. If we are constantly
searching and expecting to be entertained from our mind’s boredom, then of
course, we will suffer more. Becoming aware of the amazing every day reality through true perception of our senses can be lifesaving and certainly joy-producing. It may feel the same, or we may think we are
just going to the same place over and over, but that is an illusion, it is our
mind creating our illusion, almost as if we have horse blinders, feeling like
we are in a cartoon reel repeating over and over. Each moment is new, fresh, and heretofore unlived. Each moment offers a new chance to be touched
by our world, to touch our world and those in it, to make a difference, to
relieve someone’s pain or sadness, to make an impact, a difference, to extend
some human kindness.
And,
sometimes, we may have a realization that we need to change something about our
lives or our environment, it may be as simple as a small shift in the way we
think about, talk about, or view our world.
Small shifts over time create new worlds. Sometimes it is time to drop
our warm but totally claustrophobic cocoon with gentle courage while holding
ourselves as we traverse new paths.
Sometimes it is time to move on from relationships, gently but
definitively saying goodbye. Hanging out
with the right crowd that supports our path is important, shows compassion
towards our self and towards our immediate and ever-present world.
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