I Smile Despite...

The first of August seems to mark a passage.  At nine o’clock in the eveing it is already dark; the days are getting shorter, less daylight by which to work in the garden, by which to play in the yard, by which to breathe in the summer’s seemingly endless laziness. 

I am immensely blessed and I acknowledge my blessings, despite some of the things in my life I feel are lacking.  I am a healthy independent woman with two amazing children despite some of our familial shortcomings and my parenting difficulties.  I sit here typing out this short essay listening to the twang of a somewhat obscure female country/folk vocalist.  I imagine myself playing these songs on my guitar, fantasizing the purchase of a twelve-string guitar.  Hmmm, what can I sell to make that purchase so I can let my fingers dance across those twelve resonant strings and hold them down singing these ballads that speak directly to the heart of matters?

Tonight after a ten mile bike loop along the side of the creek that runs through private lands and a brief respite at a friend’s house for a sit and a swallow of water, I continued on home to fix my supper.  On this summer August evening, it felt good to crack open a beer and throw a strip steak on the grill.  I just sat and gave thanks for my quiet time as my boys spend the evening with their papa.  Then a little face peeked through the opening in my yard, my six year old neighbor looking for her sister.  It always feels good to have visitors despite my sacred quiet time.  I welcome the company; I welcome the sweet humanity that surrounds me and my life despite feeling so alone sometimes. 

Trees filled with cicadas serenaded me from above as I feasted.  Feasting on the fresh food before me, feasting on the sounds of the world around me, feasting on the friends and neighbors that touch my life daily, feasting on the abundance in all its forms despite the occasional clinging and grasping and hoping and wishing for just a little bit more in my life. 

On my bike ride I always stop mid-point on the bridge above the creek to catch my breath and the occasional glimpse of a Great Blue Heron, an ancient looking bird that feels primordial reminding me of a time before history. I take a drink and give a moment of thanks despite my sometimes sadness. 

As I wrap up this little vignette listening to the this love song, “Lets steal the sun before it steals tonight…,” and the laughter of the neighborhood children on this warm evening as the first of August comes to a close, I know it is long about time to begin the task of packing up for a camping trip up to Vermont and Maine with my sons.  I am thankful they still want to travel with their mama.  I smile despite knowing that someday these journeys will come to an end.  I smile because of this moment.  I smile despite….